Simple, but not easy

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                     step

The first step in learning a new skill is to start small. Mastering a skill is the process of learning a series of steps, and the first steps are the foundation, ‘the base on which something is built’. Learn the basics and learn them well. In the same way that you would not expect a baby taking its first steps to prepare for a marathon, do not plan ahead. Do not look forward, but look down. Focus on mastering the first steps and practice them frequently.

Become brilliant at the simple things, and the complex will happen on its own, in its own time.

The Spiral Stair

28 Wednesday Jan 2015

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When you want to institute a change in your life by changing your behavior, whether it is by actively taking something away, (i.e. less eating, less drinking, less time online), or by adding something, (more time at the gym, practicing meditation), an optimist’s perception, (“it’ll be no problem”), is represented by the following picture.

You just take the first step, and then climb ‘away’ from the initial starting point of your decision, until you you have moved far away from where you began.

For many people the optimist’s stairs lead to disappointment, as there is no way to understand the phenomena of ‘backsliding’, except as return to the beginning.

This next picture represents the way people who struggle to hold onto a change may experience life, as a set of steps that always return to the same point.

Climbing these stairs can bring feelings of cynicism, resentment, impotency, anxiety, paralysis, and the development of a pessimist’s attitude (“it’ll never work”) towards self change.

The final picture represents a third way of looking at life, as a set of stairs that spiral around a central point. The central axis in this set of stairs represents the central, ‘given’ aspects of a person’s character that are always there, no matter how far one may climb. On these stairs you are always you, just ‘further along’.

Setbacks, backsliding, and re-starts should be viewed as part of the process of solidifying change, and if you treat yourself with compassion in those moments of ‘not again…’, you will make it less difficult to take another step on the stairs. This is the realist’s attitude towards self-change.

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You won’t, without will

17 Saturday Jan 2015

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When you make the decision that you want to introduce something new that is ‘good for you’ into your life – will you be able to follow through? Your intent will work as the instigator of the process; but you’ll still need a method to help you integrate the new activity, to carry through and make real what has started as ‘just an idea’.

heavenJust because something may be good for you, like a particular diet, a fitness plan, a school course, or a stress reduction technique like the Simple Reset, does not mean that you will find a way to actually include it in your life.

Perceived value may have brought you to the initial decision to try something new, but the energy to carry on in this new direction is not a given, no matter how much you know that it would be good for you.

Though willpower is often thought of as an enviable psychological trait rooted in the invisible world of your mind, recent studies have shown it is governed by similar energetic processes that power your body’s other systems.

Early in the day, with proper rest, and nutrition, the maximum amount of your willpower will be available to you. However, as your day continues, and especially if you have made many decisions that involve compromises between ‘wants’, (i.e. I was nice to my friend/co-worker, though I really wanted to be angry, or, I didn’t take a second cookie at lunch), your willpower reserve drains like the energy in a battery.

Each time you made a choice or compromise of some sort during the day is the same as a ‘use’ of your battery. The more decisions, no matter how small, the more the battery drains.

A normally stressed day for most people sends them home with very little willpower left to concentrate on something new, like a meditation practice, a book, or a new eating regimen. This is why diets invariably fail at night, and the bag of snacks that you easily walk past at six, ends up in your hands at ten.

An interesting ‘trick’ to manage the inevitable drain of the willpower reserve, is to take the ‘decision’ making out of the daily process. Schedule your new activity at a time when you have willpower.

Want to practice a short, 3-minute stress reduction technique? Program your phone’s alarm to ring at a certain time during the day, and schedule your daily calendar so that you’ll be free at that time. The best times would be early in the day, immediately after coffee break or at the end of lunch.

If you wait till you ‘feel like it’, or until you ‘have time’, then you must rely on having enough willpower to make and hold onto the choice in the face of all distractions.

One time daily is enough to begin to build a lifetime health practice like the Simple Reset. Don’t wait till you have the time, till the evening, till all else is taken care of. Schedule it.

mountainFurther reading: Baumeister, R., & Tierney, J. (2011) Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. New York: Penguin Press.

As if, until actually.

14 Wednesday Jan 2015

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signWant to learn an effective shortcut to making a lasting change in your self, your beliefs, behaviors, and the perceptions others have of you?

The traditional method involves an honest introspection of who you are and how you want to be different. Using this method, eventually the ‘outside’ you matches your inside attitudes and beliefs as you manage to change yourself, and eventually others will begin perceive you as you truly ‘are’. As an example, once you stop feeling shy, you will no longer appear shy to others, and they will treat you as though you are confident. This way can be described as ‘from the inside, out’.

The shortcut method involves acting on the outside the way you want to perceive yourself on the inside. Moving confidently leads to others reacting to you as if you were confident, leading to confidence. This way can be described as from ‘the outside, in’.

The outside in method is particularly effective when used to change how one communicates through body language and movement.

A six-week course in how to walk as though you shouldn’t be messed with has been shown to have a longer lasting effect on predator’s perceptions of vulnerability in potential victims than a six-week course in self-defense. (Book, Costello and Camiller 2013)

This maybe is because a six week course in self defense is not of long enough duration to change a person’s deep perceptions of their own ability to defend themselves, where as just learning to change one’s walking style doesn’t require a fundamental change in who one thinks they are.

You walk ‘as if’, not as ‘really are’.

In the following short clip a group of students are practicing stride lengthening in our Thinking Self Defense training.

Walk this way

04 Sunday Jan 2015

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streetLike the hunting lions described in our previous post, There are Lions out there, human social predators rely on their eyes to give them cues on choosing a potential victim.

An individual’s manner of moving can influence the perceptions of observers. Studies have shown that movement cues can reveal aspects of personality, life satisfaction, and sexual orientation. Body language is also symptomatic of an individual’s level of vulnerability – indicating dominance or submissiveness, powerfulness, self-confidence, vulnerability to assault, and history of physical and psychological injury.

As this applies to self-defense, research has directly tied specific movement cues found within an individual’s manner of walking to the likelihood of being victimized through assault.

If your way of walking includes the following ways of moving, you are likely to be seen as more vulnerable to attack.

Short strides
Lifting or shuffling steps
Constrained (tight) shoulder and arm movement
Constrained hip movement
Hesitant or slow pace
Confusion or distraction
Impaired walk (by injury or clothing)
 

However, if your way of walking includes the following ways of moving, you will be seen as less vulnerable to attack.

Lengthened stride
Swinging foot placement
Swinging arm movement
Unconstrained torso/hip movement
Direct pace
Attentive
Unimpaired (full body) movement

In a study by Book, Costello and Camiller (2013) this second set of movement cues is found to be effective in conveying a perception of assertion and less vulnerability to a group of criminals who were serving time for crimes involving physical assault.

Like animals in ‘nature’, human social predators seek signs that signal vulnerability in a potential target in order to increase the likelihood of a successful attack. Movement cues that signal you are less vulnerable, mean you are less likely to be a potential victim.

We teach these easily learned movement cues in our workshop Thinking Self Defense as an essential element of the second level of the three level pyramid described in the post: The Pyramid of Self Defense

Sources and further reading:
Book, Costello, Camiller (2013)
Grayson & Stein, 1981
Gunns, Johnston, & Hudson, 2002
Sakaguchi & Hasegawa, 2006

There are Lions out there

01 Thursday Jan 2015

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Imagine you are a lion, crouching in the grass, hungry, and watching a herd of potential prey; what exactly would you be looking for as you choose your victim? Why one, and not another?

You want success, and the least amount of effort, for the maximum gain. No fight where you could possibly be hurt, no long exhausting chase, and no crowd of others to intervene.

As a predator, you’re attuned to movement cues that broadcast an individual’s strength or vulnerability, even as it stays within the herd.

 Some move in a fluid way that promises a fight, or a long and possibly fruitless chase. Others gather in groups, and you know not to charge into a ring of antlers. You wait and scan, knowing your prey will send a message through its movement.

lionIn the herd there are always a few that look hesitant, unsure, constrained, maybe injured, or old, or just not alert to the potential in your presence. You’ll wait for one of those to fall behind, or separate itself from its companions, making it your obvious choice. Then you move.

We call it ‘Nature’, the world of predators and prey. It is also our world.

In our cultural evolution we have moved beyond the life of hunter and hunted, yet in the DNA of our own nature, the deep past remains. Today’s human predators still rely on the ancient skill of reading non-verbal cues that can reveal assertiveness and strength, or vulnerability to victimization.

 There is a language to movement, and you are telling others about yourself every time you move. Learning the basic ‘tells’ that communicate “don’t mess with me”, is one of the most effective means of keeping yourself safe.

walkingIn our workshop Thinking Self Defense we teach the basic movements that help keep you safe.

Read more in our next Post

No Blame

28 Sunday Dec 2014

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walkWhen we try something new, and fail, we often blame ourselves. I should have more willpower, I can’t focus, my life is too stressful. Or we blame others, my boss, my teacher, my spouse, my family, my past, my partner; they aren’t helping, they’re too demanding, there’s not enough time.

As it turns out, failure is part of the learning process for almost everyone. People who can do something instantly to an expert level are so rarely found, that they have their own word to describe them; prodigy.

 For the rest of all of us, there should be no blame in failing.

Blame hijacks the learning process, sidetracking it away from consolidation, reflection, and response, into a reactive-predictive cycle of ‘I can’t do it, because….’. Blame works as an anchor to the past, and change can only happen in the present.  Failure to get it right, and examining why without blame, is the way it is done, all the way to mastery.

Don’t blame yourself for practicing the blame game; just realize that it is not an effective tool for building a future you.

With something that is as self initiated as the Simple Reset Technique, there will be many times that you have to ‘start over’, because something came up that took your attention, your time, …no blame.

runOne hundred times starting over is still one hundred repetitions, and in the act of repetition, you will change your brain, and your self.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

11 Thursday Dec 2014

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dog

The self-defense situations that you watch in the movies and television will be no help to you in figuring out what to do in a real life situation.  No matter what you may imagine you will do if you find yourself in a difficult situation, there will be one major difference between the movie and reality. This difference will occur on a cellular level, as a sudden flash of feeling, and how you will deal with it has already been set by evolution.

it all comes down to adrenaline. In a threatening situation the sudden ‘flash’ of adrenaline into your bloodstream causes a reaction that was put there eons ago through the evolutionary process. This reaction manifests as a three way choice, you either Fight, take Flight, or Freeze.

Fight

Fight

Flight

Flight

Freeze

Freeze

Freezing may work well for animals in the wild that become aware of a predator before it sees them. Predators are alert to motion, and freezing may allow their prey to remain unseen. Predators also know not to eat already dead animals, and animals that ‘freeze’ in order to appear dead (playing Possum) will be often left alone to survive.

Unfortunately, freezing is exactly the wrong thing to do when a human means you harm. Action, either Fight or Flight, or a combination of the two, will be what is required for self-preservation.

In the cinema, everyone always acts, dishing out rough justice to perpetrators of all kinds. Women weighing 50 Kilos regularly destroy bad guys weighing twice as much. In real life?…not so much.

In the real world, the outcome will be based on Fight, Flight, or Freeze.

Nice, or Not?

11 Thursday Dec 2014

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dogAmenability is a character trait that is useful in everyday life. It means that you are easy to get along with, flexible and responsive. People with this character trait will be popular, approachable, and helpful. They are ‘nice’ people, and most people have a desire to appear nice, as it is a helpful characteristic as one makes their way in the social world. Being amenable is a way of being lucky, as it allows the world and circumstances to bring things towards you. It is a great characteristic to have, as long as it is not your only option of how to behave in social situations.

Gavin de Becker has an excellent book, The Gift of Fear. In this book, he describes the Elevator scenario:

“A woman is waiting for an elevator, and when the doors open she sees a man inside who causes her apprehension. Since she is not usually afraid, it may be the late hour, his size, the way he looks at her, the rate of attacks in the neighborhood, an article she read a year ago—it doesn’t matter why. The point is, she gets a feeling of fear. How does she respond to nature’s strongest survival signal? She suppresses it, telling herself: “I’m not going to live like that, I’m not going to insult this guy by letting the door close in his face.” When the fear doesn’t go away, she tells herself not to be so silly, and she gets into the elevator. Now, which is sillier: waiting a moment for the next elevator, or getting into a soundproofed steel chamber with a stranger she is afraid of?”      http://gavindebecker.com/resources/book/the_gift_of_fear/

elevatorIn de Becker’s example, the woman is amenable, and places herself in a potentailly dangerous position because she is being ‘nice’. If one is naturally amenable, one has to develop a non-amenable self for self-defense situations where it is important to be wary and able to set clear physical and social boundaries.

Nice is easy…and not nice is difficult, especially for nice people.

Prepare > Repair…and takes less long

11 Thursday Dec 2014

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turn tableEffective self -defense training helps one develop options. More options allow more versatility in self-defense situations, and more versatility means a greater chance of staying safe.

Without options people tend to fall back on their particular evolutionary reaction, with its four basic paths; flight, fight, freeze, or faint. Though your body’s innate reaction may work to keep you safe, chances are it may not, and it is always best to have a trained option when it is time to respond to a threat to your personal safety.

Training creates ‘space and time’ to evaluate the situation before deciding on a response. Where does the space and time come from? It comes from practice, from having already found yourself in a ‘pretend’ threatening situation, where it is possible to try out techniques and responses, to gauge their effectiveness.

In this way you can eliminate the responses that won’t work for you based on body type and physical strength, (i.e.. A 60 kilo woman cannot hit like a 90 kilo man), and you can practice adjusting your outward behavior in order to stop potential threatening situations from escalating into physical confrontation. (see post: Nice, or Not?)

Preparation for things that may never happen isn’t a waste of time. If a self-defense situation does occur your preparation may make the difference between just another day in your life, and the day your life changed irrevocably.

Another reason to keep your mouth closed

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

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A baby’s life force energy is fresh, unstressed, and free. Still unaffected by the world we live in, the baby rolls around, kicking and waving at the air, making all sorts of sounds, uninhibited by nature. The ‘force is strong’ with them. They sleep with their mouths closed and their tongues touching the roofs of their mouths.

 The life force of an old person approaching their last days is weak, hesitant, and thin. Worn down by the years, they move slowly, limbs stiff, voices soft, inhibited by age itself. They sleep with their mouths open and their tongues lying flat in the bottom of their mouths. 

The strong life force of the sleeping baby ‘pulls’ the tongue up against the roof of the mouth, making a connection between the energy that runs up the spine and over the top of the head, and the energy that runs up the front through the chest and neck to the tip of the tongue. The ‘strong force’ works like a magnet, drawing up the tongue and closing the mouth.

In the old person the energy isn’t strong anymore, and the mouth falls open when they aren’t keeping it closed consciously.

Want to hold onto the strong effects of the ‘force’? Develop the habit of keeping your tongue gently pressed to the roof of your mouth whenever you aren’t talking. Where, exactly? Right where your tongue would be if you were about to create the sound for the letter L. This is also the position used for the Breathing Technique.