Amenability is a character trait that is useful in everyday life. It means that you are easy to get along with, flexible and responsive. People with this character trait will be popular, approachable, and helpful. They are ‘nice’ people, and most people have a desire to appear nice, as it is a helpful characteristic as one makes their way in the social world. Being amenable is a way of being lucky, as it allows the world and circumstances to bring things towards you. It is a great characteristic to have, as long as it is not your only option of how to behave in social situations.

Gavin de Becker has an excellent book, The Gift of Fear. In this book, he describes the Elevator scenario:

“A woman is waiting for an elevator, and when the doors open she sees a man inside who causes her apprehension. Since she is not usually afraid, it may be the late hour, his size, the way he looks at her, the rate of attacks in the neighborhood, an article she read a year ago—it doesn’t matter why. The point is, she gets a feeling of fear. How does she respond to nature’s strongest survival signal? She suppresses it, telling herself: “I’m not going to live like that, I’m not going to insult this guy by letting the door close in his face.” When the fear doesn’t go away, she tells herself not to be so silly, and she gets into the elevator. Now, which is sillier: waiting a moment for the next elevator, or getting into a soundproofed steel chamber with a stranger she is afraid of?”      http://gavindebecker.com/resources/book/the_gift_of_fear/

In de Becker’s example, the woman is amenable, and places herself in a potentailly dangerous position because she is being ‘nice’. If one is naturally amenable, one has to develop a non-amenable self for self-defense situations where it is important to be wary and able to set clear physical and social boundaries.

Nice is easy…and not nice is difficult, especially for nice people.